Feeling the ache

Real Time Death has been my greatest teacher, so has life, and loss, and love, and laughter– but death, most of all.  The scars left from those goodbyes have been deep.  The goodbye that weighs heavily upon my shoulders today was a step into grief that made me understand the true depth of my capacity […]


Real time   What a strange concept time is… Strange indeed. It marches on without a care.  And we single minded in our pursuit for whatever tickles our fancy, flit from one moment to the next not realizing the true beauty that time is.   Time is a healer of hearts, a step into the […]


Real Time, July 2014 Silence is a strange thing. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, over worked or stressed, I crave silence like a parched man craves water. The hustle, and bustle are cast away and I escape to my quiet hideaway. With nothing but the wind blowing across the leaves and the gentle sound of singing […]

It’s time to drown

Real time   Years and years I’ve sat suffering in silence, afraid to let myself finally feel the trauma that I endured. I needed to drown.   I needed to finally stop swimming against everything that was weighing me down… All the pain, the trauma, the heart ache… I needed to give into the darkness […]

Love like thunder

Real Time   I’ve never been much of a storm chaser. Truth be told I used to be terrified of them, all that chaos and turmoil. Like the majority of the world, when a real downpour ensues I try everything within my power to avoid getting wet. However, there are times where I simply accept […]

Fear and Faith

Real Time   I’m often left wondering what it is about love that draws me in again and again. Really, what is it about love that draws us all in? Why would I even consider putting my heart through hell again? It’s been there and back more times than I care to count. Yet, there […]

Even if it hurts

Real time   You have to expose yourself over and over to annihilation, it really is the only way that we will ever find in us, that which is indestructible. I heard that said somewhere and it only now makes sense to me. In the last year, I’ve learned that my head sometimes over thinks […]

My Journey of love

Real Time   I started this journey of typing up old journal entries a little over a year ago, and what a journey of self-awareness it has become. I’ve literally opened up to you readers with every aspect of my life. I’ve wanted you to know me in a way that was uniquely intimate. I […]


Real Time   Some days, I awake with my feet barely touching the floor and a happy skip in my heart. It is filled to the brim with love and laughter. The sun seems a little brighter and I’d swear the birds sing a happier tune. Then, there are days, much like the last couple […]

#43 Like this

It’s time. There have been too many hours that have passed since I last gave you an entry for my brown-eyed girl. You’ve been loyal and I have procrastinated… I hope you’ll forgive me. I’ve found more excuses than I care to share… so let’s continue   5 years   Laying out and sleeping in […]

Running in the moment

Real Time   My running shoes grip hungrily at the pavement beneath them, each methodical movement of my legs bringing each step faster than the next. I needed this, and I’m not sure I realized just how much my body craved this, until this moment right here. When every aching piece of my soul is […]

Connecting to me

March 17th, 2014     I sit staring at the blank journal pages before me… I inhale deeply, exhaling to release the tension of my day. This is it, the moment I’ve craved all day, all night… this moment right now is when my world begins its slow shift. I feel the weight of the pen in my […]


It has been well over a week… closer to almost a month now… Not quite. Still it doesn’t seem real to me. Doesn’t feel possible that things changed that quickly… That drastically… I refused to even write about it, knowing that I’d have to think about it. Have to “feel” it all over again…. But […]

#41-Sleep or death.

5 Years ago   The nightmares came without warning, surrounding me like a thick unyielding smoke. One minute I’m warm and safe in my bed and the next I’m in Devil man’s basement. A cold chill sweeps through me, and I can hear the water dripping from a broken tap in the bathroom just across the short hall. […]

My own prison

My sleep filled eyes peel open to glance across my pillow at the red numbered clock. It’s one minute before my alarm was set to sound off, I groan and slap it off. That’s when I start to feel it~ the evil thing. It weighs me down, and steals the lightness inside me. Hard to […]

Farewell 2013

Now I type this post as I watch the small hands of my favourite watch, tick away the last few seconds of December 30, 2013. There is one day left of this year, a year that has helped shape and define me just a little bit more into the person I want to become, into the […]


5 Years Ago A couple of weeks had passed since the night I got to hold the hand of my brown-eyed girl, and sadly the opportunity had not come up again. Things have changed between us though, even if only a little bit. She’ll reach out to wrap her cold fingers around my wrist and […]

#36- struggles

5 Years ago Even the fifteen minute drive home couldn’t help erase the smile her words had not only brought to my lips, but to my heart. Pulling into my driveway, I remain sitting behind the wheel of my car, unable to bring myself to go inside my house. I’m trying to steel myself against the […]

Watch out wall

Sometimes I think I have forgotten what it is to fall asleep. Instead I lie here, eyes open, desperately staring off at the ceiling begging my mind to stop its torment, please no nightmares… Still they come, still I close my eyes and I lie here wishing to be done with all the hatred that […]

#33-Why me?

5 Years ago <So what time are you coming to meet me at school?>  A simple text like that has my heart pumping harder in my chest. A warm smile finds my lips and the gloomy mood I’d been in all morning brightens immediately. <<Well what time is your break?>> I always feel silly asking […]

The other shoe

6 Years ago “Hey, I just thought you should know that I’m done with chasing you, i want nothing to do with you anymore. I’ve moved on, and I’m getting married. She’s amazing and everything you’re not. I don’t ever want to talk to you again. -N” For the first time in a long time […]

#29- I love you.

5 Years ago Today the sky was intensely blue, many shades of blue actually. From a pale robins egg high above, through turquoise, to a true and perfect royal blue out near the horizon. Out where the towering columns of clouds grow in the late afternoon. The creek flows quietly behind me despite the breeze […]


5 Years ago I walked outside through a warm muggy night, the smell of vegetation strong and alive inside my lungs. There were so many stars, I lay out under them with wonder as the crickets sang a song that reminded me all too much of my brown-eyed girl. I really couldn’t help falling in […]

#26- Hitting home

5 Years ago Where did I hear it? The more things change, the more they seem to stay the same. Life’s been changing so much lately, but I’m learning that the people who love us, the things we love, what it is that makes us who we are… those things… They seem to remain constant, […]

#24- Be still heart

5 Years ago A sweep of her dark brown hair brushed my skin as she pushed off of me and accelerated towards the soccer ball. The familiar pounding in my chest from my erratic heart beat was welcomed with a warm smile. I wondered vaguely if she had any idea how fluid her movements looked… […]

#22- Firelight

5 Years ago I flipped my pillow over and punched it. I glanced up at my digital clock… 2:10 am. Awesome only 5 minutes had past since the last time I’d looked at it. I tossed and turned some more wondering how I could feel so cold when it was still well over eighty degrees […]


I stand in front of the mirror before me, I look deeply into my eyes and I’m taken back… ~~~~~~ 6 Years         My once blues eyes stare back at me through the bathroom mirror, my eyes now though are stormy and gray. I beg the reflection in the mirror to show me the girl I […]